update

So last Tuesday, after I posted my blog and shut down my computer, I hopped into bed, pulled out my journal and grabbed a pen. I figured, since I published to the universe that I had a journal that I don't write in nearly enough, maybe I should actually write it in - and since I did do that, I figured I should also let you all know. So now you don't have an excuse for not following through with one of YOUR goals, cause I (sort of) did one of mine. The number of times I actually did write are irrelevant....... (only 3)

On Tuesday, I pretty much re-wrote my blog post but on a much more personal level. And then I decided I should tell everyone about it so here we go...
I asked myself two questions: 1 - What are some of the regular things people do every day that I really need to convince myself to do sometimes? and 2 - What are some things that only apply to me and that I want to do? I'm not going to give you all of the answers, but an example for number 1 was phone a friend/relative. It's so easy to think about people and wonder how they are doing, but it's another to actually pick up the phone and dial their number. And I don't mean to text, I mean to have an actual conversation on the phone with your voice. And not on speakerphone while you scroll instagram. An answer for question number two was, well, if you read my last post, I wrote that I want to have a bakery.

Then I asked myself, what was holding me back from doing anything on either of my lists? It was really weird, cause my answer was: nothing. There is nothing in this world holding me back. I mean, sure, I can think of a million reasons why I can't accomplish things - but realistically, there is no reason why I shouldn't be able to accomplish these things. So off I go, with baby steps. I'm not going to cross anything off if I do accomplish it, however, because you never know when you're going to fall off the wagon!!

Most of what I had been writing in my journal were thoughts about life since my mom passed away (two years ago today - I cannot believe it). A lot of the time I wonder if I would still be in the same predicament - what am I doing with my life - if she were still here. So a lot of the writing is me convincing myself that everything will be okay. I wrote a poem the other day, summing up life as it is now - I'm not ready to share it yet but maybe one day I will! But I also wrote one this morning as I lay in bed (half guilty, half way too comfy to care) missing hot yoga, about the past two years without my mom, so here it is and I'm going to press publish as soon as I'm done so I can't change my mind about people reading it (I'm secretly proud of it because I generally write stupid poems with hilarious rhymes and this one is real)

two
funny how 2 out of 25 seems like an eternity
when someone is gone
missing
taken
stolen
23 good years hide in the shadow of 2 measly rough ones
a rough patch
that doesn't go away
you think you're smooth sailing then one day, the pavement turns to bumpy gravel and you fall
you take a few people down with you
they don't realize it, but they get you back up
then 2 is smaller again
smaller than 23, 25, 59
you forget the coulda, woulda, shouldas
and the selfish wishes
you smile,
cry,
laugh,
shout
at what was, is and will be
you are you today because of 23 plus two, 25
that little tiny two sucked,
but making the most of them was a good plan
there are still many ahead
each one will get better
you might find that bumpy gravel again, but each time you get up from it
there are less scrapes, less bruises and it's easier
November 9 will still come year after year
2 will become 3 will become 4, 10, 20, 35
whether you like it or not
are ready or not
so send hearts, give kisses and hugs
save all your memories for a
rainy, sunny, snowy, windy,
weathery day
remember 2 will grow
but so will you
and so will i


dream big dreams, be reckless
-L