Sunday, January 23, 2011

I've discovered..

a new disease. It is called Delayed Onset Hangover Syndrome 'DOHS.' (Feel free to say it like Homer Simpson cause it's basically exactly how you react to it.)

Let me help you determine whether you've had DOHS or just a bad day:

- Usual cause is over consumption of liquids - namely alcohol.
- Creeps up on you when you least expect it > you wake up thinking you've managed to avoid a hangover and then hours later BAM! It hits ya.
- Will occur after more than two nights in a row of drinking
- Lasts anywhere between 15-30 minutes
- Your friend recommends maybe you need a bowel movement, but you know that's not what it is.

These are just the ones I've experienced, I'm sure there are many more. Not that I want to figure them out.

Of course, I'd rather experience DOHS than just a regular hangover. Cause at least with DOHS you can start your day off normally: hangover poop (that's right, I said it), breakfast, gym, nap .. THEN hangover once all the important stuff is done. Regular hangover you wake up thinking you're fine then you actually sit up in your bed.. put your head right back on your pillow and curl up in a little ball wishing every single person in the world feels just as shittty as you do.

Hmm, I feel like I'm on a roll so I might as well just describe all the possible hangovers.

Okay, so I already did a mediocre job explaining DOHS and the regular hangover. Next is the 'WTF'.

This hangover happens when you've had only enough drinks to get a good buzz. I won't say my number cause I might get judged.. (6 when this happened to me). You had a good night and you think "I'm gonna have a good, productive day cause I won't be hungover - I barely drank!" You wake up and wish the room would stop spinning and that your stomach would just stop doing whatever it is doing.. then there's your head. Who the hell is bashing it against the wall!? This hangover has only happened to me once, thankfully.

Okay nextttt .. the "Did I just die?"

This is the WORST kind of hangover, brought to me by Sailor Jerry and Captain Morgan, who I've got a restraining order on. Terrible men if you ask me. You wake up feelin' alright which gets you to thinking you're gonna get through the day. You might have to just sit and watch tv for a couple hours before you can eat or think but you'll get through it. You get outta bed and mosy into the kitchen for some water and then proceed to watch tv. Five minutes in you think the world is ending. Every movement on the tv hurts, every time you blink or breath or move - it hurts. In my case you are in California and really want to go to Target. First bad sign - you forget your sunglasses and the sun is ten million times brighter than it ever should be. Second - your mom is driving but not really sure where to go which means a lot of speed up/slow down/stop/start action which you wouldn't mind if puking wasn't the only thing you wanted to do. You finally reach your destination - the beloved Target (coming to Canada, btw WOOO HOO) and can't even enjoy the regulars - sweet junk food, sports bras and cheap shoes. So. I could go on forever, but I think everyone has their own description of this terrible way to spend a day. The worst part is the whole 'drinking more will make the hangover go away' doesn't work this day because they thought, sight and smell of liquor just make you want to curl up into fetal position for the rest of your life.

Next - the rub off

Your roommate, boyfriend, friends - whoever you were out with last night - feels like ass. But you feel great. Til they start complaining and moaning and drinking loads of water and laying in bed all day. It rubs off on you. Not necessarily the stomach/headache part but the not feeling so great about life part. It's just like if one person is in a bad mood - it can rub off onto people they are with. I'd rather be grumpy than hungover.

The 'I'm 18 again!'

You drank yourself silly the night before, and are dreading waking up. You open your eyes to the sun shining through your drapes that aren't all the way shut and you think "Is this a dream? The sun isn't hurting my eyes!" Pinch yourself, no, it's not a dream. WOOOO HOOOO! No hangover! Just like when you were 18. Best feeling ever. This was my Hoedown week in case any one is wondering.. ha ha. I had a great four day bender with no hangover. Just a 20 minute bout of DOHS which almost ruined my dinner at Degrees.

Okay. That's a lot of reading. And since I don't wanna even see how long this is. I just won't proof read it. 'Til next time!

- Hangover specialist

PS - new phrase my friends started (I'm not proud of it ..) "I got Laura'd last night"
Synonyms include: plastered, hammered, wasted .. you get the picture.

No comments:

Post a Comment