Yeah, you heard me. Hockey moms. Hate 'em. Can't stand 'em. Wanna put them all in a pair of skates, hand them a twig and a puck and see if they know what to do. You could say that's a little hypocritical of me seeing as I only played hockey when I was 8 for one year. But I'm a full on rink rat so I'm allowed to write this.
Last Sunday, Ian and I went to watch Alastair play his last regular season hockey game .. and his last junior game cause we are old and this was his OA year. Looks like your shot at the show is getting slimmer, Al - maybe it's time you joined the Barley Kings? By the sounds of the Barbed Wire article they are a buncha winners. Okay back to the good stuff. We got there a little late cause we were at Ian's aunt and uncles for supper and didn't realize that the Home and Visitors benches were on opposite sides of the rink. Mistake #1, we sat on the wrong side. Great.
When we got there the Riels were up 1-0 .. waahoo! And the crowd wasn't too crazy so it wasn't that awkward sitting with the opposition. First period ends and I think it was 1-1? I got some popcorn and Mikey and Del, Alastair's other #1 fans came and sat on the dark side with us.
This is the part where I introduce you to "Crazy Mom". She piped up in, oh I'd say the third period. The score was getting a little high (ended at 7-1 Riels, win = playoff spot yayy!) When it was around 4-1, Crazy Mom says (AND I QUOTE) "You're starting to look foolish out there. This is a bottom place team, remember!!" REALLY? I honestly was SO MAD. These guys are 18-21 years old. Did you actually just say that to them? Younger kids would prob cry .. these guys, they're just gonna say "Crazy mom is an idiot". I guarantee if you were my mom, it would be a very quiet drive home because I wouldn't feel like talking to you. At all. Okay, so quote 1 is done. Good job Positive Patty. You just told your son's team that they suck. And I have a feeling all of the parents around you are not too pleased either.. but you are likely this ridiculous at every game and they all wear ear plugs. They should start selling earplugs with the 50/50 tickets. They'd make a boat load. (Speaking of which.. 50/50 tickets were $5 for ONE.) You're the loud, obnoxious parent everyone wants to avoid. Congrats!
What other exciting things did Big Momma do, you ask. Well folks. Everytime the Canucks got a penalty she said "Oh, of couuuurse it's against uuussss!" Quit yo' whinin'. When the score was about 5 or 6-1 and the gloves started coming off she decided to yell at the ref to "CONTROL THE GAAAAAME". Woman, have you NEVER been to a hockey game with high score before? There's nothing else to do but scrap. Plus when your guy comes from behind and grabs our guy and then you yell "Yeah, if you have the refs in your pocket you get calls!" Last time I checked, when you break a rule you get a penalty. Just sayin'. I honestly was getting so mad at her I wanted to leave. Just ridonculous beyond belief. Last quote: "SHITTY REF! SHITTY REF!" What the heck is that going to accomplish? First of all you realize the words you are yelling out in public right? Last I checked I didn't think that 'shitty' was really something they specifically say is okay to yell on the spectators code of conduct (yeah, they have those). And second, you. are. embarrassing. Shut up. If you were doing that at a Bison game and I was working Event Staff I would kindly ask you to leave. No, I wouldn't cause I'm too nervous to do that .. but I do have the authority.
So that's about it y'all. I just wanted to rant a little about the crazies that they let watch sports. Since 10 million parents read this epic publication (okay, just one .. HI MOM!) I am just gonna give you all a little step by step advice on accompanying your child to their sport.
1) Get in car, on time, to drive child to sports facility
2) It is okay to ask if they are nervous/excited etc
3) It is okay to say "You're gonna do great, just play your best" .. but only til they are 16 cause after that they just don't wanna talk to you anymore.
4) It is never okay to talk to your child if they have headphones in. They're obvi trying to get in the zone. So zip it unless they talk to you first.
5) If you are dropping them off at the door - they don't need a kiss and a wave and an obnoxious GOOD LUCK SHNOOKUMS out the window as they walk away. That's just embar.
6) While you are watching you will sit quietly. You will throw out a few "Nice trys" and "Nice works" and a little clap and maybe one... ONE .. hoot when a goal is scored.
7) You will NOT yell at the refs, the other team, your child's team, their coach, the opposing coach, the score keeper, any other officials and especially not parents from the opposing team
8) Post game you will wait patiently, and not go to the dressing room to tell your kid to hurry up cause Desperate Housewives is on.
9) You are allowed to say "Good game" followed by "awesome you won!" or "too bad, next time you'll get them" and that is the extent of your conversation unless initiated by the athlete.
10) Most importantly and if you remember anything I ever write I hope it's this.. You are a parent and not a coach. So keep your coaching tips to yourself. That's not your job. If you are a parent-coach I have a completely different rant I can go off on right now but since this is already a novel .. You are a coach on the field and a parent everywhere else. GOT IT? GOOD.
Over and out.