Sunday, August 26, 2012

Miss Americaaa

*Editor's note. Today is Sunday, August 26 .. I'm pretty sure I started this post approximately three weeks ago. I'm sorry about the delay in publishing it.. Enjoy.

Okay, folks. So one night I was sitting on the couch looking for something to watch. Then I decided I was going to do a little research for a blog. So I changed the channel to TLC and watched Toddlers and Tiaras. Yup, it’s true. Actually, that’s all a lie. I decided to watch it but then before I turned it off half way through that’s when I thought to myself “I can totally right a hilarious blog about this” so I left it on. I interviewed a new father (my brother) of a really, really, really cute little girl and said “Can I please put Audrey in pageants like on Toddlers and Tiaras? HAHAHA” (actual text). His reply: “Beat it.” Obviously I was joking because my niece isn’t going to be a brat like the girls on the show. Plus they would think she's on cute-enhancing steroids cause she's SO CUTE.

So anyways. That really got me thinking.

First off, congratulations, stage mom, your 4 year old looks like she is a 40 year old prostitute. You know that that means? You have a prostitot. Gold star for you. You also get a gold star for the stripper dance moves (okay, not quite stripper – rap video girl? bootybootybootybooty) you taught her to do. Wow, up to two gold stars! Does your prostitot get commission for that? Didn't think so, SM (Stage Mom). It’s not real gold anyways, I’m poor. If it was my competition, you would be awarded chocolate money – but we all know you wouldn’t let your kid eat that anyways. She might get chocolate in her fake teeth and lose the competition. Not to mention, I would probably eat all of the prize chocolate while the kids are pageanting anyways.

So I guess now would be a good time to transition on to how much of the ‘real’ kid is actually being judged. Probably not. But I'm going to do it anyway. Okay, so from what I have seen on this show, there actually are competitions where the girls aren't allowed fake teeth and hair and tans. But talking about that would defeat the purpose of this post. I'm here to talk about the four year olds who fake bake like it's their job (oh wait, it is their job), have fake fluorescent white teeth, Dolly Parton sized hair extensions and shinier dresses than Vanna White. I mean, I guess it's sorta legit to say you want your daughter to compete because it will boost her confidence and make her more outgoing and stuff but .... your kid is four. How low can her self-esteem seriously be? Obviously it's super low because she didn't get the blue crayon from the cute boy at day care, sorry for questioning your integrity (did I use integrity in the right context? I thought it sounded smart.) Okay so back to it. You turn your 4 year old into a 40 year old so that some ditzy (not always, but usually) judges can pick which one is prettiest out of them all and give them a crown and some money. Why does a child who can barely function on their own need a crown that is just as tall as them? Why do they need a thousand dollars? I dunno, I think I am going to take a break right now and do some legit pageant research then come back and entertain y'all some more. I have a real good quote to tell you, too. So stay tuned.

K, I did my research. Literally. I Googled "Pageant Rules" and here's some links cause I don't feel like doing lots of reading and telling you what I have read.

The quote you were all waiting for, well here it is: "Ugly pageant kids need big pouffy dresses. If you see a girl in a big pageant dress, her momma knows she's ugly." A real life pageant mom said that. I don't think her daughter wore a pouffy dress, either, just to clarify. So now we have a mom calling other kids ugly. I don't think they teach that in school, in fact, they teach the opposite. But who am I to tell a full grown mother that it's kind of rude to call someone else's kid ugly.

I really think this is one of those situations where the parent is living their dreams through their children. Because the majority of the moms are just generally unattractive in every way possible, so they are using their 'innocent' little girls to dress up and strut around cause they can.

Okay, one more point. WHY IS YOUR FOUR YEAR OLD: getting acrylic nails, wearing false boobs, butt, teeth, lashes, hair and seriously controlling your life to the point that they are yelling at you because you brought them the wrong pair of socks and you actually listen and go get the right socks (my own example, but I bet you that happens in real life..) You want to be Miss America and Miss Universe when you grow up? News flash toddla, your temper tantrums are getting the attention of Mr Trump, but in a BAD way. He's going to remember how bratty and un- All-American you were. So smarten up. Moms and dads too.

These parents spend a ridiculous amount of money on costumes and props and entry fees, and I honestly think it's a waste. One day your daughter is going to decide she doesn't want to be in pageants anymore and those 500 five foot tall trophies she has aren't going to mean a thing. Think about that. And in the words of the famous Garrett Watson, "You can pay for school but you can't buy class." Nice try, SM.

Later days.

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